When your parents break up, it can feel really confusing and upsetting. It is fairly normal to hear different versions of what happened from each parent. This doesn’t always mean someone is lying—they might just see things differently. But sometimes, one or both parents do lie, especially if cheating was part of the reason they split up. They might lie to protect your feelings, or because they’re embarrassed about what they did. Either way, it can make everything feel even harder.
Why would a parent lie?
Parents might lie because they feel guilty or don’t want to get into trouble. Sometimes they lie because they think it’ll help protect you. But no matter why, knowing that a parent has lied can really hurt. It might make you feel like you can’t trust them anymore, or make you unsure of what’s real.
Finding out
If you find out that a parent cheated or lied, it’s normal to feel all kinds of emotions—shock, sadness, confusion, or even numbness. You might see them differently now. It’s okay to feel this way. These emotions are normal and valid.
Writing down how you feel or talking to someone you trust, like a friend, teacher, or counselor, can help. Don’t feel like you have to keep everything inside.
“I remember it so vividly, as you would. I was walking down the stairs, my dad was falling asleep, he had his phone on his lap and I went to pick it up because it was making loads of noises and I picked it up and I just saw some really inappropriate messages. And I was 17 so like I knew what was up. And I just remember being in complete shock. I think I’d read back and tried to figure out what was going on, put the phone away, was in complete shock, called a friend. And I was crying, really distressed.“ Grace
Separating the person from the lie
Just because a parent lied or cheated doesn’t mean they’re a bad person all the time. People and life can be complicated. You can still love your parent, even if you’re upset or angry about what they did. Loving them doesn’t mean you agree with their actions.
What if one parent wants you to pick sides?
Sometimes, a parent who feels hurt might want you to stop seeing the other parent. That’s a lot of pressure, and it’s not fair to put that on you. It’s okay to take time to figure it out.
You might say things like:
- “I don’t want to pick sides. I still want to see both of you.”
- “I need some time to think.”
- “Just because I still talk to them doesn’t mean I think what they did was okay.”
Setting boundaries
Boundaries are limits you set to protect your feelings. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s okay to put a boundary in place that protects your emotions. If one parent has cheated or lied here are some more examples of boundaries you can set:
- “I’m feeling really upset right now. I need space.”
- “I’m not ready to meet your new partner yet.”
- “I want to keep seeing both my parents, even if one made a mistake.”
- “I don’t feel comfortable keeping secrets between you and Mum/Dad.”
Keeping secrets
There can be a lot of secrets and shame if your mum or dad has had an affair. Sometimes a parent might ask you to keep what happened a secret from the other parent, family, or from friends. That can feel like a heavy burden on you and very stressful. You might even feel ashamed, even though it’s not your fault.
“It was quite a shameful experience for myself because … my dad had an affair … and the affair was very close to home, I could say, because it did involve other family members. So because of this, even speaking about it, there was a certain degree of shame that I felt simply because I carry the same name as my dad.” Young adult – anonymous
Remember – You are not responsible for protecting adults from their choices. And you shouldn’t have to carry other people’s secrets. Find a safe person to share with, someone you trust, maybe another parent, a close family member, or another adult you can rely on – even a teacher or school counsellor – if it feels too hard at home.
Privacy vs Secrecy
There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy is about healthy boundaries. It is rooted in self-care and respect. It’s not harmful to others. For example, choosing not to tell everyone at school about your parents divorce or a parent asking you to keep a conversation between you just for now because it’s not the right time to tell a sibling yet.
Secrecy is about hiding something often with shame, fear or guilt. It usually serves to protect someone else, not you and involves an element of manipulation or pressure. For example being asked to lie or pretend you don’t know something. It may make you feel trapped because if you reveal the secret someone might get angry or upset.
Privacy respects your ability to choose but secrecy often takes your choice away. It can feel horrid and damage your relationships with others and blur the lines between right and wrong.
Here are some boundaries you can use if you are being asked to keep secrets and you don’t want to:
- “I’m not comfortable being caught in the middle.”
- “I need space to process things for myself, not hold other people’s secrets.”
- “I understand this is hard, but it’s not fair to ask me to carry that.”
Talk to a safe adult
Make sure you don’t carry this burden by yourself. You need to share the burden with others to ease the stress on you. Even if you’re close with the parent who asked you to keep a secret and want to keep them happy, it’s okay to talk to someone else. Another safe adult (like a teacher, family member, or counselor) can help you sort through your feelings. Or come to Your Direction, where other young adults talk about these issues together.
Your parents are human
When you’re little, you might think your parents are perfect. But as you grow, you learn that adults make mistakes too. Sometimes, they even lie or hurt people. That doesn’t mean you have to accept bad behavior, but it does mean you can understand and accept that they’re not perfect and they are human.
Even though it might feel like your world has been turned upside down, remember that you’re not alone and this isn’t your fault. It’s okay to feel hurt, confused, or even angry. What matters most is that you take care of yourself, speak up when you need to, and lean on people who make you feel safe and supported. Families can be messy, but love, honesty, and healing are still possible—even after hard times. Please make sure you speak to someone else about it. You’re allowed to feel everything you’re feeling, and you will get through this.