Justin is 15. He was 10 when his parents started arguing and is the youngest member of his family.
I was around about 10 when my parents started arguing about money related problems. I was so used to my parents being together and us being this perfect family that i was extremely scared and anxious when they started arguing frequently that I didn’t know how to adjust.
Distract yourself
The first piece of advice I would give to someone in this position is please distract yourself. When my parents used to argue, I always used to intervene, scream out my sorrows and cry constantly when they argued but if I was in this same position today, I wouldn’t try to intervene, and I would try to save my mental energy for things I enjoyed (or alternatively distract myself) instead of drain it every time my parents argued.
Don’t put all your energy into making their bond stick
After about 2 years of constant arguing, my parents split up, but nobody told me about it until around about a year later. I also started to realise that my parents were better off separated than together, because at the end of the day you can’t hold on to something forever and ever because it will hurt you even more badly because you were putting all of your energy into making it not fall apart. If I was in this position again, I wouldn’t have necessarily begged them to split up but I wouldn’t have put all of my energy into making their bond stick for longer because that drained me like nothing ever had before.
And then my dad left the country for about 9 months on a business trip and I was left with my older sister, my mum and my (soon to be) stepdad. My stepdad was originally introduced to me by my mum as her friend, but when my dad left, he started living with us and taking me and my mum on day trips to his farm.
Now as nice he could be at times, he also heavily influenced my mum and her way of thinking. He also affected her life in a very positive manner but I was happy for my mum because I wanted to see both my parents happy (especially with my mum because admittedly, I was quite a mother’s boy growing up). However, it started becoming that my mum was getting changed by my stepdad in a negative manner and it was becoming more apparent that she would care less for both her kids and would care more for this man she didn’t even know 6 months prior.
My mum made me her personal therapist
Since my dad wasn’t in the house either at this point and my sister was doing her own thing, my mum made me her personal therapist and would usually emotionally outpour on me (guilt tripping, crying, yelling). One example of this is when I was playing with my mate on xbox and she made me hang up to have a “mature” conversation about some papers my dad sent her (I can’t remember what this was but it was something to do with the house). The day quickly got worse when the post man came and when she went to pick up the mail, my dog bit her hand, breaking through a nerve in the process. The first words she said to me were “who’s gonna pay for the house now”. This is when my stepdad started properly living with me (before he would stay over a couple days a week) and she got more controlling over me. (At this point my sister was over 18 so my mum couldn’t really control her both in a mental and legal manner) but now my mum was controlling me (my town is relatively small) and I wasn’t allowed to go around town without her. She also tried to have control over the 3 dogs I had by hitting them frequently for normal dog behaviours after the accident (pouting, barking).
And then in the summer, my grandma came over from Poland and started behaving exactly like my mum. She came over for a month and my sister just so happened to be on vacation at the same time and so I barely had any freedom to do anything or say even anything.
I finally talked to 2 of my best mates
In that same summer, I finally talked to 2 of my best mates at the time about what was happening at home. I was scared to say anything because my mum kept telling me not to say anything and that it was no ones business and I shouldn’t be opening my mouth about it. however, when I confessed what was really going on at my house, I never felt that free in my entire life up until that point.
I would advise anyone that if you’re going through something, talk to a friend (you could also talk to a school but personally I wouldn’t because when I did, they told my mum everything I said).
Find your voice – you can say no
I would also recommend that you have to find your voice and you can say no to people. Just because you’re younger than someone doesn’t make you wrong or invalidate your voice.
If there was one thing I wish I could’ve done in this time given the chance, it would be to argue my way against my mum, but because I didn’t, I was stuck constantly folllowing her and her “ideal” but if I would’ve argued, I would’ve had better circumstances. I did argue against my stepdad a few times but constantly my mum would come to the aid of him and for the few times I argued against my mum, she would try to guilt trip me.
And then my dad came back from his work trip. The first month he came back was relieving because I didn’t have to live with my mum anymore and I could finally have freedom. However, that didn’t mean that she still wouldn’t try to pull strings, as she made me go to the school counsellor.
Don’t lash out
When she moved fully out (stopped coming round to my house), I cut contact with her. however before I did this, I leashed out all of my anger out onto her. My advice would be don’t lash out your anger on her constantly, as again this would drain you, but if someone is draining you in your life (doesn’t matter if they’re blood related), you have every right to cut them off.
I then after a few months, got back in contact and started going to her house for occasional visits but my dad doesn’t like that. I still did it though because I would find that I would feel horrible if I didn’t see her for like a month.
Do not let it dull your spark
Both my parents still talk really ill of each other and my overall advice I would give anyone going through any stage of parental split ups are do not let it affect who you are. Do not let it dull your spark like I let it dull mine, but if it has dulled your spark, light it back up by doing whatever makes you feel happy. Enrol in a course, take up a hobby, do a sport, join a gym because at the end of the day, the only one who can really change your circumstances is yourself.
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