What to do when you are caught in the crossfire of your parents’ separation
Is there anything more miserable than being stuck in the middle between two people arguing? It’s even worse if it’s your parents fighting.
What it feels like to be caught in the middle
Liam had the experience of being caught in the middle when his parents separated. This is what he had to say about it: “It always felt awkward… I felt guilty if I chose one person over the other. It felt weird to do something with just your dad and then feel like you can’t tell your mum that you’ve done something or that he’d taken you out for a meal.”
Being caught in the middle feels horrible. You might be feeling under pressure to keep the peace or forced to choose sides. If you pick one side, then maybe you feel like you are betraying the other parent.
When parents criticise each other it can be hurtful to you too because you are made up of both of your parents. You may feel their words are also aimed at you.
When relationships break down it is very normal for there to be disagreements. But if you feel caught in the middle there are some things you can do to make it easier.
It’s not your job to fix their fights or keep them happy
Their arguments are about their issues and not yours. Their separation is their responsibility and they need to find a way through it. Your responsibility is for your life – school, work, friends, your wellbeing, your future. Make sure you are clear on what your main responsibility is towards first.
Find someone to talk it through with
All this does impact you in a negative way, and you don’t have to carry all of this on your own. Talking to someone you trust, whether it’s a friend, teacher, or counsellor, can make a big difference. Look for someone who will be 100% on your side rather than biased towards one or other of your parents so you can be free to say however you feel and whatever you think.
Don’t try to work out the rights and wrongs
It is normal for people to have different perspectives of the same situation. You can tie yourself in knots trying to work out who is “telling the truth”. Just because two people have very different viewpoints of what is happening does not mean one of them is lying. Your parents are the adults in this situation. This is their argument and it isn’t up to you to make peace or help them resolve their differences.
Blair reflected on her parent’s separation and says ”I was trying to figure out the timeline of everything, what was right, what was wrong, did that really happen? I don’t know who to believe if they’re both saying different things…you just end up involved when, you know, you’ve got your own feelings too and you’re angry probably about the same things as one of the parent but you’re now fighting for it which is just exhausting and probably not necessary.”
You’re allowed to feel more connected to one parent right now, or angry with both. Feelings can be messy during big changes—and that’s okay.
Separate Worlds
Before your parents separate you have a relationship with them as a couple. Most of the time in families there’s an easy flow of information. For example it would be normal for your Dad to know about something you told your Mum.
Once your parents have separated that changes. If you are able to continue to have a relationship with both parents, then suddenly you have a relationship with Mum and a separate relationship with Dad. You may find yourself adjusting what you say to each parent. This was the case for Charlie who explained “Your mom might say to you, da da da da, by the way, don’t tell your dad. So you’re kind of like, right, I hold that, I’ve got to know that, I can’t tell dad that. And then on the flip side, dad would do the same thing. I’m da da da da, please don’t tell your mom. So you’ve kind of got these sort of separate worlds where you’re saying, well, this is knowledge that I can only keep in the mum sphere and that’s what I’d only keep in the dad’s sphere.”
Like Charlie, it can be really difficult to hold these demands and different worlds in your mind and it’s good to recognise that this is really hard.
Being Kind
When your parents separate, it can be a really emotional time for everyone — including you. It’s good to talk to your parents about how you’re feeling, but sometimes it helps to think a little before you speak. That doesn’t mean keeping everything to yourself or hiding the truth, but more about choosing your words in a way that’s kind and thoughtful. Being sensitive to choosing the right moment for a conversation, how much or what kind of information you share can make things a little easier for everyone, and sometimes give you a bit more peace too. It’s about finding the balance — speaking your truth, but with care.
When Charlie came back from a fun weekend with his Dad he decided early on that it was easier if he didn’t sound too enthusiastic about it when he got home to his Mum’s house. Charlie explains “I think maybe through bad experiences you learn to kind of, to control your language and think through what you’re saying and think through your presentation a little bit.”(Watch the video people share what it’s like to adjust to a new normal)
Setting boundaries
Setting a “boundary” protects your emotions. A boundary is like an invisible line that helps you protect your wellbeing. It defines what you are okay with and what you’re not. It is a reasonable request that clearly expresses your needs and limits how you deal with another person in a way that respects you and the other person. For example:
- Saying “Please agree these things between yourselves and don’t ask me to be the messenger”
- Saying “I don’t want to be left out of family events with my cousins because you can’t agree. Can you work out a way I can still participate with my extended family”
- Saying “Please can you not talk disrespectfully about Mum/Dad in front of me because it hurts me”
Each of these statements create a boundary that protects you from getting hurt.
Being caught in the middle of your parents’ separation is tough, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed by it all. But remember—you are not responsible for fixing their relationship or making peace between them.
Summary
Look after yourself by setting boundaries, expressing your needs, and being kind to yourself as you navigate this new normal. You will have separate relationships with each parent now and it’s a good idea to find a friend, family member or counsellor who is 100% on your side for support when you need it. You deserve to feel safe, respected, and heard—even in the middle of a storm. As hard as this is now, many young people find that going through this helps them grow stronger, clearer about their needs, and more confident in all their relationships.
