Watch the video above to hear Ben’s story of growing up between divorced parents. He describes their divorce as “a really seismic event in my life…a bit of a bomb moment.”
A happy childhood changed overnight
Ben describes his early years as carefree and full of warmth. “I’m the oldest of three, so I think kind of at the time very, very happy childhood, no real kind of concerns about anything apart from probably in the year kind of run up to my parents separating.”
Everything changed when his parents divorced. “I was about 11 or 12, and yeah, it was a really seismic event in my life, but it really was a kind of bit of a bomb moment.”
He didn’t feel angry — mostly confused and sad. “I don’t think there was anger. I think it was just a lot of sadness, a lot of confusion. What does this mean? I think huge amount of questions.”
Even at that age, his mind focused on the practicalities. “Probably because I was 11 more practical than the kind of why and the kind of emotion, it was a lot more practical. Where’s dad gonna be? When am I gonna see him? What does that mean for this? What does that mean for that?”
Growing up too fast
Ben realised quickly that life wouldn’t be the same again. “Seeing your parents, certainly not as kind of perfect, happened very quickly when the fallout of the divorce happened, so that, I think, changed me.”
He also became aware of how much more complicated life was. “When it’s divorce, you know, there’s less money, there’s less just time resources from your parents, there’s a lot more just admin to and from you’re having to navigate.”
Living across two homes was confusing. “If you live in two different households, you’ve got two different sets of rules as well — different bedtimes, different rules for TV, different food. You have to be quite adaptable, and that is quite a lot to get your head around.”
Missing the small moments
Not seeing his dad regularly was one of the hardest parts. “I think that does change you. But I think not seeing my dad was, was a big bit of it. And we saw him quite a bit, you know, we’d probably see him every few weekends or whatever.”
It wasn’t until years later that he realised what he truly missed. “When I was in my 20s, I actually lived with my dad for about 18 months while I was starting off work, and I realised what I had missed. I actually hadn’t missed him coming to my football game or going for a birthday or whatever. What I missed was actually just sat on the sofa with him on a Monday night, watching whatever was on the TV.”
“It was those humdrum, normal moments — the regularity of it — that I missed.”
Becoming the ‘semi-parent’
As the eldest, Ben took on extra responsibility at home. “Mum, who we were living with, has got so much on her plate. She’s a mess. I can’t be bringing more mess to her, like she’s got enough going on. I basically became a bit of a semi-parent.”
Support came from an unexpected source. “My godmother was amazing. She was coincidentally, like, a counsellor. So we’d go for a coffee, and she’d just ask me questions, and I’d just be able to kind of let loose a bit. It really felt like a safe environment.”
Even though those talks were emotional, they helped. “It was hard because I’d come away pretty emotionally drained because she’d ask all the right questions.”
Carrying secrets between parents
Ben became a messenger between two worlds. “Mum might say to you, ‘Oh, by the way, don’t tell your dad.’ So you’re kind of like, right, I’ve got to hold that. I can’t tell Dad that. And then on the flip side, Dad would do the same thing — ‘Please don’t tell your mum.’”
He learned early on to manage information carefully. “You’ve got these sort of separate worlds — a way of saying, well, this is knowledge that I can only keep in the mum sphere, and that’s not for the dad sphere.”
It also made him cautious about what he shared. “I was aware early on — it’s very difficult to come back from an amazing weekend with Dad and say to Mum, ‘Yeah, it was amazing.’ You know that’s not gonna go down well. So as a child, you learn to constrain yourself and think forward.”
How the experience shaped him
Looking back, Ben sees how his parents’ divorce influenced his career and personality. “I’m a lawyer now, so I have to represent other people’s points of view, and I think that probably came in quite early — you know, translating between Mum and Dad.”
It also made him reflect deeply on relationships. “My parents got divorced, my grandparents got divorced — I do have a fear on that. I sort of talk to my spouse about that. If I can stay married and happy my whole life, that would be a massive achievement.”
But he’s learned to see that fear in a healthy way. “Some fears, if they’re controlled, are a good thing. Having had the experience of being a child in divorce, you don’t want that for anyone else.”
Finding perspective and hope
Ben believes his parents’ divorce didn’t ruin his view of love or marriage — it matured it. “I think it made it clear quite early on that marriage is something you have to work towards, that you can’t really be complacent about.”
He now sees his parents’ separation as just one chapter in his life. “It is one of the chapters in the sort of book of my life. There are strands that still run from it, and I think this is part of what’s made me me.”
His final reflection is one of growth and balance. “You can’t just sit in it for the rest of life. You have to get on and say, yes, that has made me who I am — but what lessons can I derive from that that will help me as an adult?”