Jack reflects on the experience of growing up with separated parents and weighs up how to forgive his absent Dad. “Trying to hold everything in and fight your own battle doesn’t win the war. You need someone beside you through everything.”
Jack grew up watching his mum hold the family together. Now, as an adult, he’s reflecting on how his dad’s absence affected his relationships and emotions. With time, he’s discovered the power of talking, forgiving, and finding support from those who care.
Growing up without a father figure
Jack’s parents split up when he was very young. “My parents have been split up longer than I can remember, so I’ve never really had a father figure up until I was about 13.”
Not having that presence made his early years difficult at times. “Not having it through that young age probably was a little bit of a struggle, but my mum was very good at being there for both my sister and I.”She stepped up to fill the gap in every way she could. “She really helped me out with things like football and being inclusive with sports — even coming to play football with me down the park, which was lovely. She made me feel included.”
Finding a father figure
As a teenager, Jack found someone who began to fill that void. “I was trying to search for that father figure at that time, and I do remember it. When my mum was dating my stepdad, it was very nice because he was very inclusive. He doesn’t have kids of his own, so being in your early 30s and meeting someone with two kids at the age of 12 or 13 was quite a big step.”
It wasn’t just an adjustment for Jack — it was a brave step for his mum too. “It was a big step for my mum to take as well, because it’s quite difficult with children that age to meet someone new that could be in your life for a very long time.”
Thankfully, it worked out well. “I was very happy. I was very happy for my mum. She just wanted that love. I’m glad she did. She got married, and I did have a father figure for the last 12 years of my life.”
Dealing with absence and inconsistency
Jack’s real father, however, remained largely absent. “It’s a lot of absence, a lot of absence — and nothing to do with my mum. She wanted us to see our dad, but he just was not the type of person to be able to be constant, to look after a child or be there 24/7. It is a 24/7 job, and he was definitely not that person.”
That inconsistency left its mark. “I really struggled with that. I can’t really understand finding those red flags or green flags — maybe that’s why I’ve had failed relationships in the past.”
He recognises how patterns can repeat across generations. “I just also can’t find the commitment, which can result back to my dad having commitment issues, and it can affect my relationships. You try so hard not to be that person, but when you try too hard, sometimes you can be — or it can be worse.”
Jack is learning to reshape those inherited patterns. “It’s about understanding that you’re still your same DNA, but it’s the way you change your thoughts about that DNA that can really impact your life and help your relationships.”
Struggling with forgiveness
Jack has had limited contact with his dad for years. “I’ve spent the last four years without contact. The only contact I get is Christmas, the day before Father’s Day, and my birthday. That’s the only contact I’ve had from him in the last four plus years, which is very upsetting.”
Forgiveness, he admits, isn’t easy. “I do and I don’t want to forgive him… forgiving someone is easier than holding it in and having that resentment.”
“It’s very 50/50 — I find it hard to forgive, but I hate conflict. I really don’t like it.”
Bottling things up
Avoiding conflict became Jack’s way of protecting himself. “If there is a conflict, I stay silent because I don’t want to hurt the other person, fearing they might leave like my father did. I don’t fight my own battles. Sometimes it’s bad — I keep them in, bottle them up, and they progressively get worse and worse.”
He’s learning, though, that talking helps. “Thankfully, I’ve got a very good friend who’s had problems in the past. I can tell him, and he’s a great listener. We tell each other everything.”
His message to others
Jack encourages others not to isolate themselves. “Speak to someone — speak to your friends, speak to your siblings if you have some. Ask about their thoughts on what’s happening or what’s happened, because there’s always someone that would like to help, would like to listen.”
He’s learned that silence only deepens the pain. “Trying to hold everything in and fight your own battle doesn’t win the war. You need someone else to be alongside you through everything.”