How to cope with all the feelings from your parents’ separation
When your parents separate, it’s completely normal to experience a flood of thoughts and feelings. Even if you found out a long time ago. Some feelings are uncomfortable, but there are some things you can do to sort out your thoughts and feelings so it is less overwhelming.
“I was 15 and at this time you don’t expect things like that to happen that late like because you would have grown up most of your life with your parents so you wouldn’t expect them to separate. It was groundbreaking for me. There was a lot of turmoil at that moment.”
Grace (Watch Grace’s Story here)
It’s okay to feel what you are feeling
There are no rules about how you should feel when your parents separate. You might have a big mix of feelings which can include feeling happy, relieved or excited, as well as sad, angry or confused. You might also feel nothing at all. How you feel might even change from minute to minute. Your parents’ separation may be the biggest thing that’s happened in your life. So it is completely normal to have a mix of feelings or feel numb.
Feelings change
Feelings are a bit like waves. Sometimes they feel huge, but that intensity will go. So if you feel really terrible, don’t worry, you won’t always feel like this. You will feel better. There are skills you can learn to help you manage your feelings. For example, Leo found that learning some breathing exercises was a good way for him to feel calmer when he felt stressed about his parents’ separation.
“Breathing exercises… I know it sounds it might sound silly but I used to do it when I used to be in the stress. Taking a big deep breath in, holding it for five seconds and then letting it out and then constantly doing that for about five minutes I’d say and you’ll notice a big change. You’re a lot calmer, you’re thinking about, you’re feeling better in yourself in a way to the point where you’re chill and you can approach it now and you can say to yourself, right cool, how do I approach this one? I’m in a calm mindset now, how do I approach this one? How do I tell them how I’m feeling and how do I deal with them splitting up?”
Leo (Watch Leo’s Story here)
When we take deep, slow breaths, it has a calming effect on our bodies and minds. If you feel really bad, taking a few slow breaths is a quick and easy way to start feeling a bit better.
Name the feelings
At difficult times, you might feel like a big washing machine of emotions churning around your insides. Noticing what you are feeling is the first step to feeling better. Lots of people find writing down how they feel can be a big help. This is what Blair said about dealing with her feelings:
“I’d journal all my emotions and kind of process them. I’d be like, this is what I’m feeling, this is what’s happened. And just that acknowledgement of what I was feeling was really helpful just to kind of put a name to it and also validate myself if I couldn’t do that just in my head, it had to be expressed for me with written words, it just is that way. And I recommend that 100%, that literally saved me.”
Grace
Talk to someone, even a pet
If you know what you are feeling you can explain it to someone else. Talking about your feelings with someone you trust, will help you feel less alone.
Anthony comes from a culture where people, especially men don’t talk about their feelings. When his parents separated he found he needed to talk about how he was feeling. Now his advice to other young people is:
“Don’t shy away from speaking to people. I’m a black man, for me, I didn’t grow up in an environment where we could talk about how I feel, I’ve always had to bury my feelings. And over a period of time, my feelings became so much that it did lead to a lot of problems for me. So like, you have to be able to talk about how you feel to the right people. Not everyone’s going to have that time for you, but there’s always going to be someone that does. So find that person and that person will 100 % be there for you and you just tell them how you feel and they will guide you and put you on the right path.”
Anthony (Watch Anthony’s Story here)
If you don’t feel comfortable speaking about your feelings, it’s something you can build up to. Try talking about something small first or try talking to a pet first.
Liam found it helped to just be alone with his dog and tell it what was happening.
“When I had those sort of really angry, painful feelings, I’d walk away. I’d be on my own. I very much so liked being on my own and having things in my own way. So I’d often try to do things like be on my own, go for walks. I’d oftentimes like, I’ve got a dog, I’d walk my dog and I’d sort of talk to my dog in a weird way about what was going on or not even talk to him, just like sort of think it in my mind as I was sat with them. And it almost felt like they could sort of get what I was laying down”
Liam (Watch Liam’s Story here)
Get Professional Help
If you can, talking to a professional provides a really healthy structure to process all your thoughts and feelings. Even if it feels odd talking to a stranger, it can really help. This is what Sophie said about the counselling she had when her parents separated:
“I did do counselling. I think I did like six sessions of just like an hour like chatting, which I think really helped.”
Sophie (Watch Sophie’s Story here)
Keep enjoying hobbies
Even if things at home are really difficult, it’s good to have fun in other areas of your life. Keep doing hobbies you enjoy. Here’s what Amara found when her parents split up:
“Finding what restores you, what grounds you, like my singing, my dancing, my hobbies, doing other things that I love and spending time kind of doing those joyful activities for me is a really big thing.”
Amara (Watch Amara’s Story here)